Breaking News: Rwandans Learn How to Sip Champagne Flutes

In a recent development out of the Great Lakes, Socialites Without Borders Teach Rwandans How to Mingle:

KIGALI, RWANDA—In an effort to provide relief to a people devastated by civil war, genocide, and poverty, members of the humanitarian aid group Socialites Without Borders spent several hours this week teaching destitute Rwandans how to mingle.

Volunteers are hopeful future generations may one day know how to properly lift a champagne flute.

“These poor souls, there’s so much we can do to help to them,” said Tinsley Rothschild, an event planner for the non-profit organization, while surveying the country’s bleak and arid landscape. “Just look around, there’s nothing here: no hors d’oeuvres, no towering ice sculptures, nothing. Nobody should have to live like this.”

“I bet most of these people have never even seen a Bellini, let alone know how to sip one,” Rothschild continued. “Unless we do something fast, these men and women stand no chance of surviving a high-society dinner party.”

Arriving on private jets from their headquarters in Martha’s Vineyard, volunteers from Socialites Without Borders touched down in northern Rwanda early Sunday morning. Following an extravagant luncheon held in their honor, the charitable luminaries were driven by limousine to a nearby refugee camp, where they provided impoverished villagers with emergency lessons in everything from making small talk, to name-dropping, to drastically improving one’s life by marrying a wealthy steel magnate.

Hat-tip to @zvangelder

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