I am Christian Lowell III, son of Christian Lowell II. I write you in urgent need of assistance. I am living with my brother in a rent-controlled two-bedroom apartment on the Upper West Side. Needless to say, the conditions are deplorable. The pools have not been cleaned since yesterday and, with two of the gym’s treadmills in need of repair, the wait time for a treadmill directly in front of one of the eight plasma TVs is averaging four to six minutes.
We require your immediate help. My mother must get a second eyelift as soon as possible. If she does not have the procedure, she will be condemned to the unspeakable state of looking her age. My brother is weeks from dying (a social death) if he cannot complete his course of medical treatments at the Central Park West Hair Restoration Clinic. And my father recently lost his job and most of his money, except for the funds he keeps hidden for mistresses and his collection of memorabilia from the Reagan administration.
To find out more about Christian Lowell III’s horrendous situation and how to help, read the rest of Rupinder Gill’s 419 New Yorker E-mail Scam.