Breaking news from the Onion on a celebrity attempt to be really, really kind to poor people:
ROME—More than 40 artists, including U2, Death Cab for Cutie, Rihanna, and Rage Against the Machine, performed at six simultaneous concerts across the globe Saturday as part of a new benefit show to wish the world’s desperately impoverished the best of luck. The $200-a-ticket event raised more than $80 million, which will be put toward thousands of good-luck cards and balloons for developing countries and a fund for future charity performances. “I hope you will all join me in extending a hand of friendship to the have-nots, shaking their hand once, and walking away,” Al Gore said in a special message via satellite. “You’ve had it pretty bad, and it’s not likely to get better. May God help you all. See ya!” Producer Quincy Jones also brought all the participating artists together to record an all-star track that will be made available to the poor through iTunes.